Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
