why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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