I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
