the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
