OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jerry, you need to find god
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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