I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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