Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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