Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
