I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
