I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
