I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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