five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
