I puked a lego.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
