I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
