Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
