tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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