in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Randomize
