i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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