you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
