I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
