Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
