she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just invented taco cereal.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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