either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
