don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish there were birth control emojis
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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