Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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