nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
