Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
