At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
