Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
