so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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