I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
