The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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