The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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