I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
