They should really pass out barf bags in church
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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