I got chris browned last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
