shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Someone shit on the floor
so let's talk penis.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
