shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
