Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
