and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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