Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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