I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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