The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
