you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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