if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
