Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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