I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
