wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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