How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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