I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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