Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
