I faked an abortion last night.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
