Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
