I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Couch. On fire.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
