after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
