I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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