allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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