Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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