My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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