I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
