the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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